There is a classic story about the mother who believed in spanking as a necessary part of discipline until one day she observed her three-year-old daughter hitting her one-year-old son. When confronted, her daughter said, “I’m just playing mommy.” Many loving parents sincerely believe that spanking is necessary to produce well behaved children. While it is true that discipline is essential to a child’s upbringing, there are other discipline techniques that are more loving and more effective than spanking. Here are a few thoughts that may make spankers rethink their parenting style.
- Spanking Teaches Hitting. I can’t help but notice the irony when I see a parent spank their child and tell them to stop hitting. Spanking demonstrates that it’s all right for people to hit people, and especially for big people to hit little people, and stronger people to hit weaker people. Children learn that when you have a problem you solve it with a good swat. A child whose behavior is controlled by spanking is likely to carry on this mode of interaction into other relationships with siblings and peers, and eventually a spouse and offspring. Physical punishment shows that it’s all right to vent your anger or right a wrong by hitting other people. And the parent’s attitude during the spanking leaves as great an impression as the swat itself. Controlling your angry impulses is one of the things you are trying to teach your children. Spanking sabotages this teaching. Spanking guidelines usually give the warning to never spank in anger. If this guideline were to be faithfully observed 99 percent of spanking wouldn’t occur, because once the parent has calmed down he or she can come up with a more appropriate method of correction.
- Spanking Devalues Your Child A child’s self-image begins with how he thinks others see him. And especially how he thinks his parents see him. Spanking sends a confusing message, especially to a child too young to understand the reason for it. Parents spend a lot of time building up their child’s self esteem, helping the child feel “good.” Then you spank him and he feels, “I must be bad.” When spanking is repeated over and over, a strong message is driven home to the child, “You are weak and defenseless.”
- Spanking Devalues The Parent Often parents spank in desperation because they don’t know what else to do, but afterward feel more powerless when they find it doesn’t have a long term affect. They soon realize, I won the battle, but lost the war. My child fears me, but I feel I’ve lost something precious. Spanking also devalues the role of a parent. Being an authority figure means you are trusted and respected, but not feared. Lasting authority cannot be based on fear. The child is not being taught to develop inner control. Hitting also devalues the parent-child relationship. Physical punishment puts a distance between the spanker and the spankee. While some children are forgivingly resilient and bounce back without a negative impression, for others it’s hard to love the hand that hits them.
- Spanking Promotes Anger In Children And Parents Many who have thoroughly researched corporal punishment find that children whose behaviors are spank-controlled throughout infancy and childhood may appear outwardly compliant, but inside they are seething with anger. They feel that their personhood has been violated, and they detach themselves from a world they perceive has been unfair to them. They find it difficult to trust, becoming insensitive to a world that has been insensitive to them. Parents who examine their feelings after spanking often realize that all they have accomplished is to relieve themselves of anger. This impulsive release of anger often becomes addicting—perpetuating a cycle of ineffective discipline.
- Spanking Doesn’t Work Many studies show the futility of spanking as a disciplinary technique, but none show its usefulness. Spanking doesn’t work for the child, for the parents or for society. Spanking does not promote good behavior, it creates a distance between parent and child, and it contributes to a violent society. When a child is out of control, parents should try to calm the situation down. Spanking only elevates the tension. It creates more uncontrolled emotion, more screaming and in the end more hurt. Parents who rely on spanking as their primary mode of discipline don’t grow in their knowledge of their child. It keeps them from creating better alternatives, which would help them to know their child and build a better relationship.
- Spanking Is Not Biblical Don’t use the Bible as an excuse to spank. There is confusion in the ranks of people of Judeo-Christian heritage who, seeking help from the Bible in their effort to raise godly children, believe that God commands them to spank. They take “spare the rod and spoil the child” literally and fear that if they don’t spank, they will lose their child to the ways of the world. The following are the biblical verses which have caused the greatest confusion:
- “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” (Prov. 22:15)
- “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” (Prov. 13:24)
- “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.” (Prov. 23:13-14)
- “The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his mother.” (Prov. 29:15)
At first glance these verses may sound pro-spanking. But you might consider a different interpretation of these teachings. “Rod” (shebet) means different things in different parts of the Bible. The Hebrew dictionary gives this word various meanings: a stick (for punishment, writing, fighting, ruling, walking, etc.). While the rod could be used for hitting, it was more frequently used for guiding wandering sheep. Shepherds didn’t use the rod to beat their sheep – and children are certainly more valuable than sheep. As shepherd-author Philip Keller teaches in A Shepherd Looks At Psalm 23, the shepherd’s rod was used to fight off prey and the staff was used to gently guide sheep along the right path. ( “Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” – Psalm 23:4). The book of Proverbs is one of poetry. It is logical that the writer would have used a well-known tool to form an image of authority. This is the point that God makes about the rod in the Bible – parents take charge of your children. When you re-read those “rod verses,” use the concept of parental authority when you come to the word “rod,” rather than the concept of spanking.
Other parts of the Bible, especially the New Testament, suggest that respect, authority, and tenderness should be the prevailing attitudes toward children among people of faith. Christ preached gentleness, love, and understanding. Paul states in 1 Cor. 4:21: “Shall I come to you with the whip (rod), or in love and with a gentle spirit?” Paul went on to teach: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children” (Eph. 6:4), and “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will be discouraged” (Col. 3:21).
Spanking is a tough habit to break. Especially if that is the way you were raised. When my husband and I disagreed on the topic he would often say, “my parents did it and I turned out fine.” To this I say, you may have turned out fine despite being spanked all of the time, but that does not mean it didn’t cause hurt feelings that you might otherwise not have if you had been disciplined differently. The best way for parents to stop spanking is to stand by two convictions: 1. That you will not spank your children. 2. That you will discipline them. Since you have decided that spanking is not an option, you must seek out better alternatives.
