How many times have you caught yourself judging another mom for no reason other than she is different than you? I’ve done this more times than I’d like to admit. And most of the time, I start to get to know that mom better and end kicking myself for being so critical. So why do we do it? Judging and gossiping are human nature, but it is especially inherent to women and even more so to mothers. I think that it has to do with the high bar that is set during motherhood. There are a million different choices involved in raising a child, and going the wrong way on any given one could be the reason our son is still living at home when he is 35. Well not really, but we sure think so. With all of that pressure, it is much easier to focus on what others are doing “wrong”. That way the “donuts for dinner” theme you caved in on last week doesn’t seem so bad.
There are so many different choices that make an impact on our kids life. Do I work or stay at home? Do I breastfeed or bottle feed? How should we discipline? When do we start pre-school? And when you see another mom make an opposite choice that seems to be working out better than what you are doing, it stings. Sometimes it stings so muchthat you have to find another area in motherhood to bring her down a peg. After all nobody is perfect. And if you look hard enough you will find her flaws.
I propose that we as mothers follow a few steps to make a conscious effort to put an end to this catty, and quite frankly, childish behavior.
- Walk a mile in her shoes. Whenever you catch those thoughts creeping into your head, stop and put yourself in her situation. Chances are she made the decisions she made because she doesn’t have the same circumstances you do. And even if you still can’t fathom her thought process, extending friendship and understanding may help her make better decisions down the road.
- Stop the gossip! Don’t talk about other moms behind their backs. Not even to your husband. Not even if it starts off innocently. A good rule of thumb is: if you wouldn’t say it while they are listening, then don’t say it at all.
- Support and embrace other moms if for no other reason than you are both moms. We all have firsthand experience of how challenging motherhood can be. If we reach out to other moms in turmoil(because we have all been there), we can learn from each other and know that there is support waiting for us when we need it too.
- Celebrate another mom’s job well done. Motherhood can be a thankless occupation. How often do you bust your butt and bend over backwards only to have no one even notice? Who better to understand, recognize and cheer for those achievements than the other moms in your life. It is nice to hear praise during a conversation, but it is even nicer to get an unexpected card or some flowers out of the blue.
Having a great relationship with other moms may sound like a lot of hassle and selflessness. But as anyone who has had a life changing friendship knows, any trouble involved pales in comparison to the benefits you receive. And in the case of mommy friendships it is even better. Because you will inevitably affect each others mothering for the better; not only will you be happier, but your kids will be too!
