2009 Teen Choice Awards Full Of its Own Questionable Choices

To an uneducated eye, the Teen Choice Awards that aired Monday night on FOX went off without a hitch. For the teens  its aimed at, the show probably seemed like a polished, well thought out entertaining event.

However, parents who watched without tears in their eyes or ruptured vocal chords surely noticed that this show is not all it’s cracked up to be. At it’s core, it has some major flaws, not to mention some real moral issues. For example….

1. The voting is a sham.

All over the press and even on the show, it was mentioned that 83 million votes were cast. That’s incredible and leads the teens to believe that they had a hand in the winners. However, it all just seems too coincidental. The winner of Best Action Movie star just happens to be there. “Twilight” just happens to win every award it’s nominated for. Well, at the end of the show there was a big block of text. It did say that votes were made and tabulated online. It then said this: “Teenasaurus Rox Inc. had the right to determine the winners from among the top four vote getters in each of 88 categories.” Basically, a company that runs the show could pick whoever they wanted out of the top four. Not the one who won, necessarily, but one of the top four. That kind of stinks, doesn’t it?

2. The blind fandom has to stop.

Even if the voting wasn’t totally rigged, which it is, it has become painfully obvious that tweens, not teens, are voting for these awards. There’s nothing wrong with that but with immaturity comes an inability to vote objectively. It truly seems like, no matter what the category or the nominees, these people just vote for “Twilight.”

Take for example the “Fresh Face” categories, which recognize an actor an actress who have burst on the scene this year. For the males the nominees were Taylor Lautner for “Twilight,” Chris Pine for “Star Trek,” Dev Patel for “Slumdog Millionaire,” Sam Worthington for “Terminator Salvation” and Taylor Kitsch for “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.” Any one of those is pretty deserving, however, Lautner – who won, of course – was in his movie for maybe five minutes. He can’t win, especially when his competition is insane. Pine is a born superstar in a smash hit, Patel was in a multi-Oscar winner, Worthington is literally the next big thing in movies and Kitsch is finally breaking out of a role on “Friday Night Lights.”

In both cases, it just seems like people just look for the “Tw….” on the ballot and click it.

3. Several of the nominees are inappropriate

Maybe the plus side to that blind fandom is that 12 year old girls who are voting with their hearts won’t look at the nominees and realize they haven’t seen all of them. Because, if they did, they would have run into films such as “Observe & Report,” a movie that has a man raping a drunk girl or “Public Enemies” in which people rob banks and kill police officers, or television shows like “True Blood” that have full nudity and graphic violence. Yes, each of those properties – and others – were nominated for awards. They didn’t win, of course, but how do they even get NOMINATED at a show like this? It’s called “Teen” for a reason.

4. Several of the jokes didn’t pay off

During the show, there were three segments called “Dare the Jonas Brothers” where fans dared the Jonas Brothers to do wild and crazy things. Each brother got a dare. The first was for Joe to cut off all his hair. The second was for Kevin to get a tattoo and the third for Nick to hug as many fans as possible. This is all well and good and it seemed, for a second, like these things were actually going to happen. Mike Tyson came on stage with scissors. Kat Von D came on stage with a needle. But in both cases, the bet was “paid off” with no pay off. Mike cut one lock of hair before a commercial break and Kat Von D tattooed Kevin backstage and later revealed a horrific fake tattoo. Plus Joe had all his hair the whole rest of the night.

At least Nick actually hugged his fans, though it was a small predetermined line. It just doesn’t make sense to put the Brothers up to these kind of things and then totally blow it off. Just pick things they can actually, or will, do. Because in the end, it just makes them look like quitters or chickens. And that’s not a good image.

5. Time to get rid of the comedians

George Lopez joked that teens and Latinos have fake ID’s in common. Ellen DeGeneres offered money to buy beer and Dane Cook told Vanessa Hudgens to keep her clothes on. These are all legitimate jokes made by legitimate comedians that are totally inappropriate for a teen award show. None of them are particularly offense, however, the one that is least suggestive – the Hudgens won, didn’t even make the final show (it was reported on Sunday when it was said live). I have no problems with these jokes and neither will a lot of parents, but they just don’t fit in with the general cookie-cutter tone of the show. Adults know teens have fake IDs, drink beer illegally and take nake photos of themselves, but your 11 year old shouldn’t know about that.

6. Stop screaming

This is strictly a personal thing before the big final complaint. I get the appeal of seeing your favorite stars in person and screaming for them really loudly, but, to do it any time their name is mentioned just gets really annoying. Plus – when you only scream for a select few people – Zac Efron, Robert Pattinson, Jonas Brothers, etc – it makes it painfully obvious that you have never seen or listened to the competitors.

7. The “Fab-u-lous” Award is O-ffen-sive

Toward the end of the night, the “Fab-u-lous” award was given out to a “totally outstanding gentleman who portrays the world of high fashion, covers high society and even judges while wearing high heels.” Um, what? What does that mean? Are you trying to give out an award for “Best Gay Celebrity Male?” Then say that for crying out loud. Instead, you give us this weird laundry list of gay stereotypes as code for what you are really trying to say. I was shocked at this completely ignorant award. Thankfully the winner, “America’s Next Top Model” judge Miss J (who???), dedicated the award to the Lesbian, Bi, Transgendered and Gay communities. Thanks for actually SAYING what you were getting.

And those seven things don’t even mention the way several awards are completely glossed over, others are given out in huge bunches, the surfboards are taken away from winners, those winners always happen to be there (suggesting they know they are going to win) or how the taped show is edited with a machete. OR that Miley Cyrus danced on a stripper pole, Britney Spears was honored or how interrupting a Presidential speech was made to be funny.

Basically, the Teen Choice Awards needs to make a choice itself. Let the teens choose themselves and tailor the show to them in a smart way or just continue to act as ignorant adults who put on a show they think the kids will like. Kids are smart. Eventually, they will catch on to your tricks. Or at least one can hope they will.