Conditional Parenting Found To Be Counterproductive

By Akela Talamasca on September 17th, 2009

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Conditional parenting is the term applied to the practice of influencing a child’s behavior by rewarding her with love when she does well, and withholding love when she does poorly. This is at odds with the idea of loving our children unconditionally for who they are, rather than what they do.

For instance, the old habit of discipline by “time out” is an example of conditional parenting, the idea being that the child has done something wrong, and must therefore spend time alone, without the love of the parent. If you practice “time out” with your child, you may not consider it in those terms, but there’s an important element missing from your philosophy.

In 2004, researchers Edward L. Deci, Avi Assor, and Guy Roth interviewed 100 college students and asked them questions about their upbringing, focusing on whether or not they felt that their parents’ love depended on their performance in life. These students confirmed that they often did as they were told more out of a sense of trying to please the parent, rather than it being the right thing to do, and many bore resentment to their parents to this day as a result.

The referring article holds more examples of the subject, but the key to avoiding conditional parenting is encouraging autonomy in our children. Rather than using praise and scolding to achieve results, we need to explain reasons for actions, encourage proper behavior for its own sake, and in general allow the child to make the decisions for themselves. We need to be able to see things from our child’s perspective, rather than try to foist ours off on them. While using conditional parenting to make our kids do what we want them to is effective in the short run, the long-term damage done speaks for itself.