The sleep deprivation was really getting to me. I mean, seriously, I was at the point where I would have welcomed a coma just to get some shut-eye.
All my baby books and mean friends who were parents had warned me about this, the fact I apparently wouldn’t sleep for the first three months of my new son’s life. I was ready for it. But what I didn’t anticipate was developing a dirty little habit I could tell no one about until now: During this time, I became a Lifetime Movie Network junkie. For those keeping track at home, that’s only slightly less embarrassing than still watching that “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ farce or beauty pageants.
It started innocently enough. It was in the wee hours of the morning and my son had just closed his eyes for his two-hour sleep session. I flipped on the television and realized there wasn’t much on that wasn’t an infomercial. Then I hit the Lifetime Movie Network – LMN to those in the know. I remember thinking, “Oh, hey, wow. It’s ‘Casualties of Love: the Long Island Lolita Story,’ that movie where Alyssa ‘I look nothing like Amy Fisher’ Milano was cast as Amy Fisher.” It took me back to high school, when Amy and her beau Joey Buttafuoco-Over-Here became tabloid royalty after the jealous teen girl attempted to kill his wife, Mary Jo. The whole scandal gave Zubaz-pants-and-sleeveless-shirts-wearing men everywhere hope they could land their own young thing.
I was hooked.
I swore it would just happen the one time. But then I found my butt glued to the couch, soaking in “Gospel of Deceit” starring that dark-haired chick from “Baywatch.” The basic plot line follows a preacher who tries to get his wife to cheat on him, then he tries to kill her. I won’t ruin the rest for you, but the end of the movie features a hil-ARIOUS showdown in the church.
My low point came when I found myself mesmerized by the acting talents of one Tori Spelling in “Mind Over Murder.” Yes, Tori as a D.A. with ESP. Apparently, getting smacked upside the head by a car gives you the ability to read people’s minds (that was only slightly less believable than Tori as a prosecutor). But oh, wouldn’t you know it, her “gift” almost gets her killed!
I tried to rationalize my addiction. A good portion of LMN movies are about women who, for some reason or another, want to harm their husbands. What new mom recovering from childbirth couldn’t relate to that? The movies are also mindless fluff – perfect viewing for the sleep-deprived brain.
Somehow, I managed to break the addiction. I think the defining moment came when I hit the info button on my remote and saw something called “Stranger With My Face” playing next on LMN. I couldn’t do it anymore – for the sake of my husband, for the sake of my son. I’m sorry, Tracey Gold, Yasmine Bleeth, Shannen Doherty, Scott Bakula. You’re just going to have to find someone else to watch your engrossing drivel.
