For most people the holidays are the most exciting time of the year. We anxiously await gathering together with our family near and far. That is unless you happen to have a strained relationship with some of these visitors, namely your in-laws. It is no secret that I struggle to get along with my husband’s family. So every time we are supposed to visit them or have them visit us, I get a tiny knot of dread in my stomach. This year I am determined to have a good time. Here are some strategies that I have compiled.
- Give it a chance. Often when you are not happy about someone or something, it shows. You may be making polite conversation, but your body language and demeanor are telling a different story. When you give off that kind of vibe your in-laws are bound to pick up on it, causing them to be defensive. So your visit is sabotaged from the start. You have to put your dread in check. So you may not be comfortable for a few days. It’s not fun, but it’s not the end of the world either. Try to focus the positives that can come from this visit. Look at each get-together as a chance for a fresh start.
- Avoid taboo subjects. It may be fun to goad your mother-in-law by bringing up things that get her riled up, but it’s not constructive. If there are subjects that you know will cause tension just don’t discuss them. Even if they bring it up. Just tell them you don’t want to talk about that and move on. You don’t have to agree with each other. You don’t have to defend yourself. You just have to co-exist peacefully for a few days.
- Unite to conquer. The most pivotal element in this equation is your spouse. They are, after all, the reason you are in this mess in the first place. You love him/her and so do they. So he can be the key to solving the whole problem. If your partner intercedes on both of your behalves then it is easier for both sides to see each other from their loved one’s perspective. My husband has grown up with his mom. So when she is offensive, he looks at it as her being herself. He tells me just to not take it seriously. But to me, by not stepping in it feels like he is telling her, “Go ahead and treat my wife poorly, I don’t care.” And she is getting that message loud and clear. This year I told him that all I want him to do is back me up. After all, it is his lack of action that hurts more than her words. I care much more about what kind of person he is than I do about how she acts.
- Put yourself in their shoes. Roll eyes here. I know that it is cliche. But your in-law’s behavior may be a very misguided attempt at resolving anger, jealousy, isolation, etc. issues with you. If you can identify those issues and deal with them, maybe you can salvage a productive relationship.
- If all else fails, minimize contact. If you both know that it is never going to be kisses and hugs, just keep it simple. Get through the day, the weekend, etc. by keeping them busy doing one thing while you do something else. Smile and wave for the kids’ sake and go your separate ways after you’ve done your time.
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