A Letter to My Son’s Future Bully

By Heather LaBruna on January 25th, 2010

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Dear future bully,

We don’t know each other yet, but I suspect we will one day. My son is only 8 months old and far from the classrooms and playgrounds you frequent. But I know you’re lurking out there somewhere, ready to send him home with his first mystery bruises and without his favorite backpack. So let’s cut to the chase.

Yes, I realize my son’s name translates to “little flower” in Italian. My husband and I weren’t really thinking of that when we named him. We just thought the name sounded cool. I can also tell already that, although my son is not even a year old yet, he’s more the sensitive type – the kind of child who will probably enjoy writing more than contact sports.

But what you fail to realize, big smelly kid (I’m just guessing here), is that this parent rabidly protects her offspring. See, that protective feeling starts at birth, when you hold your child for the first time. It evolves into an all-consuming obsession the first time you hear him laugh – a laugh so genuine and untouched by the outside world that it pains you. And speaking of pain…

This all brings me to the point of this letter. Seriously, if you mess with my kid… you’ll pay. No, I’m an adult and I don’t beat up children. So that’s why I plan on bribing the next biggest, smelliest kid in your elementary school – whether it be with cash, video games or Chipwich ice cream sandwiches – to take care of things. His name is Jayden (just another guess, but it does seem to be the name du jour). Sure, you may think I’m bluffing because adults are supposed to act in a more civilized manner; we’d consult with your teachers and parents to try and figure out a good solution to this problem. Whatever. You’re clearly just years away from an appearance on one of Maury’s “Who’s Your Babydaddy?” segments, so why waste my time?

And if you think you can just go after someone else’s kid, think again. There are many parents who feel as I do but won’t admit it. But they’re secretly plotting, so I suggest forgetting this whole bully thing – or growing eyes on the back of your head.

Until we meet,

Mrs. LaBruna

P.S.

Come on, people. I wouldn’t seriously advocate beating up a bully (not really). But this does illustrate the intense emotions parents can have when it comes to protecting their children.