There is this rumor about a mythical baby that will peacefully drift off to sleep all on their own, but I have never encountered him/her. If you have found yourself with this elusive baby, try not to brag too much around the masses of sleep deprived parents. The rest of us basically have two choices when dealing with our infant and their sleeping arrangements. One, you can cuddle them to sleep or two, you let them cry themselves to sleep. If you choose the latter you are practicing a technique called ferberizing.
Named after pediatrician and author of Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems, Richard Ferber, the Ferber Method has been shrouded by controversy from its beginning in 1985. This sleep training technique claims that you can teach your baby to sleep on their own after a week or so of you proving to them that their cries are ineffective to changing their situation. Ferber says you can teach your baby to soothe himself to sleep when he’s physically and emotionally ready, usually sometime between 4 and 6 months of age. He recommends following a bedtime routine and then putting your baby in bed awake and leaving him to cry for gradually longer periods of time. Ferber says putting a child to bed awake is crucial to successfully teaching him to go to sleep on his own. Parents are instructed to pat and comfort their baby after each predetermined period of time, but not to pick up or feed their baby. This routine is called “progressive waiting.” The suggested waiting time, which Ferber charts in his book, is based on how comfortable you are with the technique, how many days you’ve been using it, and how many times you’ve already checked on your child that night. A recent episode of Modern Family showed a couple trying to ferberize their baby (Check out the clip above). And although it was a comedic depiction, it is a pretty accurate portrayal of what you will experience.
The most common criticism of the Ferber Method is that it breaks down communication between a baby and their parents. The newborn who cries is saying: “I need something; something is not right here. Please make it right.” Crying is a language that babies use to communicate. They do not enjoy crying nor is it beneficial for them other than to get the attention of someone who can help them. A baby has two choices if no one listens. Either he can cry louder, harder, and produce a more disturbing signal or he can clam up and become a “good baby” (ie: quiet). When no one listens, your baby will become very discouraged and he’ll learn the one thing you don’t want him to: that he can’t communicate. Then the baby loses trust in the signal value of his cry and the responsiveness of his caregivers. This can create a subconscious trust issue between the child and their parents for the duration of their relationship.
Having parented 3 infants, I have tried both ferberizing and co-sleeping. I started off with the Ferber Method with my first baby. It went entirely against my mothering intuition and made me feel sick to my stomach. I stuck with it for a few months, but I got tired of doing it over and over. Because although it does work, you basically have to start over every time your child’s sleep routine is disrupted by illness, traveling, sitters, etc. And every time you start over you have to go through 6-7 nights of crying; not just when they are initially going to sleep, but also every time they wake up during the night. I eventually just brought my son to sleep in my bed and he slept, well, like a baby. By the time he was 2 he willingly went into his own bed and slept on his own without all of the drama and trauma. With my last 2 babies I used a co-sleeper next to the bed from the start. That way they could sleep on their own, but comfort was only an arm’s reach away. This made for a much more restful night of sleep and more peace of mind about my parenting. So I guess it comes down to how soon you want your bed back.
(Photo Via: Aysha Manori)
